So here we are two-thirds the way through the first three-month chunk of chemo treatment. Another day, another hospital trip, another IV and another bed (get in!). This week I was flanked either side by two ladies whose cumulative age must have been 300 years. Both flat out the entire time.
Did I partake in a kip I hear you ask?
Well, let’s just say I am submitting my own phrase based on colloquial rhetorical questions such as: “Is the Pope Catholic?” or “Does a bear shit in the woods?”
Mine is called: “Did Kaz nod off during chemo?”
I feel like a cancer pro. I can spot the newbies in the waiting room and the ‘been there, done that, got the t-shirt’ gang. We all carry the same look of weariness. We each have our own stories.
Someone asked me the other day if this experience had changed my perspective on life. Of course, it has to in many ways, and yet in other ways it feels like this has merely just slotted in my/our lives and we weave our normal lives around it like a Carry On Cancer movie.
There’s this belief that if we are faced with any life-threatening situation we completely change our outlook overnight and live each day as if it’s our last.
If we all did that we’d be jobless, broke and constantly on holiday as we explored the world cramming in as much ‘living’ and adventures as we could before we all cark it.
In reality that isn’t just possible or practical. The vast majority of us mere mortals all have commitments, a life to attend to and some semblance of routine to maintain, if not for our sake, for our family. And despite that fact we’d all love to live life to the full, some days the best we can do is collapse in front of the telly.
However, in terms of perspective, I now embrace all these moments. I find that I am sub-consciously just absorbing each day and seizing the moments, whether that involves work, rest or play. It has underscored what it is important. And also what is not.
We are all often consumed by a life obsessed with productivity and consumerism. What’s truly meaningful can get trampled on in our desire to succeed or simply survive as we spin multiple plates in the air.
When we moved house two years ago I said much of that decision was to free up more time so we could ‘stop and smell the roses.’ It took a good year or so to adapt to that new lifestyle as old habits die hard! But I learnt slowly to stop filling each minute with a job or a task and instead take leisurely weekend breakfasts, more trips away and most importantly to ‘be present’ with family and friends. We can all ‘show up’ but ‘being present’ is a whole different ball game.
There are many circumstances and life-changing situations where we are forced to look at ourselves and re-evaluate our priorities. Cancer is certainly one of them. What intrigues me is how some people go through life pretty much drama-free, skipping through the wildflower meadow Laura Ingalls style where the biggest crisis this month is forgetting the tinned tomatoes in Aldi or missing the bin collection.
Then there are others whose lives run like a soap opera. I seem to fit this category. And this is my Christmas Special folks.
In 1888 German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche coined the phrase: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
What a load of crap.
I think those who have experienced pain, illness, grief, or heartache just learn to cope with their situations whatever they may be. We cultivate an outer layer of emotional scars over the years and that heals in the fact the bleeding eventually stops as time passes, but it does however leave your skin marked and flawed, and no amount of Nivea is going to remedy that.
Endless trauma or distressing events doesn’t make us stronger, in fact an overload of anguish can be damaging. What didn’t kill us can make us feel depressed or anxious.
This isn’t about giving people a stage to play the martyr it is simply about acknowledging that everyone you see in the street probably has a painful back story or a hidden hurt. How we react and respond to that is so important. Help and kindness should flow forward and back over the years without recompense.
Despite his philosophy, Nietzsche suffered from terrible depression for years, culminating in a profound mental breakdown when he was 44 followed by a stroke. He died aged 56 in the care of his mother. It did kill him in the end.
Personally, I much prefer the Joker’s line in Batman’s The Dark Knight: “I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you stranger.”
Meanwhile it is apparently European Week Against Cancer (EWAC) which takes place every year between May 25th and 31st concluding with World No Tobacco Day on May 31st.
During the week cancer charities and policy-makers hold various webinars and activities online to raise awareness about cancer prevention, access to treatment and support for patients.
So to mark the occasion here’s my activity – a self-portrait meme using my eggceptional craft skills.
two steps freelance 